Right now, I want to scream. I feel like I’m losing my shit and I can’t keep it together, but that’s not true. Of course, I can keep it together. That’s what I’m good at. I take a deep breath, talk to God and voila, shit’s together again.I wish I had to freedom or the guts to just say screw it all and say everything on my mind or just run away. Just get lost in a different life. Change my name and go. I would probably take a vow of silence. I wouldn’t want anyone to ask where I’m from or where’s my family. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s a burden and it’s getting heavier. It’s getting heavier for Matt as well.
Without medication he is realizing his life. He is 25, has a brain injury, is in a wheelchair and his wife has to take care of him. He’s getting sad. He’s getting depressed. I never wanted this to happen to him. I never wanted him to feel inadequate but it’s true. That is his life. It won’t be forever, but forever doesn’t change right now. Forever takes work. And time. And faith. We’re tired. I’m tired.
I’m tired of putting on a good face for him. I don’t want him to feel like this is his fault. I’m tired of doing everything. I’m responsible for every little detail of our lives. We have so many bills. We don’t have any money. I can’t breath when I sit down to go through them and figure out which one to pay this month. We’re going to have to file bankruptcy. I’m going to have to file bankruptcy. Matt doesn’t have to do anything. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t get off the couch. I have so much to do and on top of that I have to help Matt. I have to do therapy with him and teach him to do things around the house. My husband is my child and he knows it. He hates it and I hate it for him. The guilt of Matt not recovering is enough to drown me. So I scream on the inside as I trudge through the endless list of shit I have to get done and I try to cry but I don’t have the energy. I can’t even cry for myself. I want to. Sometimes that’s all I want to do. I would love nothing more than a full 24 hours to just cry but I have too many things to do. I don’t need a few days off or a break to take a nap, it’s not that kind of tired. It’s a different kind of exhaustion. The kind that comes with this life.
I want things for my life and I feel stupid for wanting them. I want a new yoga mat because yoga (and cooking) is the only thing that makes me happy but I can’t bring myself to do invest in a future I’m afraid will be fruitless. I have this fear of Matt dying young and we will never have any children, my mom will be gone and my sister will be successful and I will be alone. I never wanted to be alone. I feel like I’m alone now. I can be surrounded by my friends and still all I hear is a hum and I’m separate from where they are, alone. And I want so badly to be present. I want to have that fulfilled life. I talk to God and I’m there with him and he’s here with me but the world is gone and we stand alone.
I am living every person’s worst fear.
I want Matt to have the greatest life and I will continue to lay down every day of my future to give him that. I know he wants to do the same thing for me.
Pray for us. No matter how many happy things I post or great times we have, our life is still what it is. It is still a new world for us and we still don’t know how to do it.